Making Consent Sexy with August McLaughlin

LISTEN TO THIS PODCAST EPISODE HERE.

In this podcast episode, August McLauglin joins us to talk about the importance of consent, how consent can be sexy, and how consent is a way to address trauma triggers. She is a health and sexuality journalist and the host and producer of the podcast Girl Boner Radio.

What is consent?

Consent is not a simple yes or no. I think a lot of folks think of it that way, and a lot of us learned that’s what it is. But really consent is permission. It’s being on the same page with somebody. It’s more nuanced. It’s clear. That doesn’t mean it needs to be clear immediately. It just needs to be clear before you take action or start an activity. So, communication is a huge part of it. And I think consent is inherently sexy, actually.

The idea of knowing that whatever you’re going to do, we’re all in. That’s really sexy. The questions are sexy. It can be a really hot part of even just the sex itself. What do you think about this? What if I do this? Would you like it if I did this with you? Can I touch you here? Can I kiss you there?

What is not consent?

Consent is not just verbal. It’s really important to read folks’ body language and make sure that there’s an understanding. If somebody says, Hey, would it be cool if I did this? And they’re like, Well, I guess so. That’s not really what you want. You want something that is enthusiastic. That doesn’t mean it has to be a cheerleader, give me a yes, kind of thing. But it does have to be something that really expresses a desire and some level of comfort or ease. Not just willingness, but wanting it. I really want to do this with you.

What are some ways to make consent sexy?

One of the best ways is to ask in a really genuine way that shows carrying and excitement on your part, and doesn’t then deflate if the person is not interested because somebody embracing your no is also super hot. Again, it’s important that both folks are on the same page. You can also use a yes, no, maybe list to get ideas for things that you want to do or don’t want to do. 

Also, you want to make sure you don’t spring an activity on a partner. You want to have consent throughout sex. It’s not like something you just do beforehand, and then let it go. It’s an ongoing thing. If you think about it as a connection, which is sexy, too, because it’s really about this dance, being in rhythm, being in sync with your partner(s). For example, if we’re having vaginal penetration and a partner wants to switch to anal, they need to ensure consent, because one of the partners may not be interested in that. Even though you had consent for vaginal penetration, does not mean that you automatically have consent for other types of penetration as well. 

Of course, if it’s something you’ve done before, it doesn’t automatically mean that someone else is into it and wants to do it again. But there is something different between being with someone in a committed relationship where sex is something you do regularly together. So you have a feel; you have a vibe, versus a hookup with somebody you’re having sex with for the first time. And if you’re not sure, just ask. Give yourself permission to ask. Just take a moment and say, Oh, my gosh, I just want to make sure that what we do is really hot for us both. So how does this sound? What if I do this to you? Or what if we do this together? 

What advice would you give your younger self, knowing what you know now about consent?

I think it’s super important to know that consent should be in all areas of our lives. You can practice saying no. We can all practice that. I took a really powerful consent based self defense class. And we did a lot of role playing with consent. And it wasn’t sexual, necessarily; some of the scenarios were where somebody’s meeting you at a club or something and wanting to do something with you. But it was consent in general. It was someone talking to you on the street. Do you want to talk to them? Just because someone doesn’t ask you for permission doesn’t mean you don’t have a say. So rather than waiting for a question, role play saying no. And I think you’re right that so many of us don’t learn about it. But it’s about both what we’re saying no to and what we’re saying yes to. It’s a practice. The first time you do it, it’s probably going to feel a little awkward and uncomfortable, but the more you do it, the easier it’s going to be.

When it comes to consent, is this something that all partners are responsible for, or does the responsibility lie on a particular individual to obtain consent?

It really should be everyone. We should all have full autonomy. We should all be able to say yes and no and to set our boundaries or to request certain things. That’s really important. Even if you’re in a Dom/Sub situation. A lot of people think that the submissive person in that dynamic doesn’t have any sort of boundaries or control or consent, and actually, that’s not true. Consent is a big theme in BDSM communities. They are very good at educating their community about that.

To hear August talk more about consent and trauma triggers, listen to episode 156: Making Consent Sexy, on the Vaginas, Vulvas, and Vibrators podcast.

You can find August McLaughlin on her podcast at Girl Boner Radio and her webpage, AugustMclaughlin.com.

LISTEN TO THIS PODCAST EPISODE HERE.