Navigating Intimacy Postpartum with Brianna

LISTEN TO THIS PODCAST EPISODE HERE.

On this podcast episode, Brianna joins us to talk about intimacy and postpartum. She shares ways to have intimacy with your partner before you are emotionally ready to have intercourse again, how to get reacquainted with your body, and ways to get out of that sex rut.

When it comes to intimacy and postpartum, how do you prevent falling into the rut of not having sex after delivery?

You have to be aware from the beginning that your intimate life, your sex life, is not going to be what it was pre baby and then give yourself grace with that. Also, during the pregnancy have open communication with your partner and facilitate different ways you both can bring intimacy into your life that is not just about penetrative sex. Remember, the healing process can take anywhere from six months to a year after baby. Just because you get the “all clear” to resume activities doesn’t mean you want to or have to. You’re mentally exhausted; you’re physically drained. You’re probably not thinking about sex, and that’s okay. Your hormones are telling you not to because you’re still healing and taking care of a baby. Just know that this is a process to navigate through and you need to give yourself grace and patience. 

What are some ways that you can have intimacy outside of penetration with a new baby at home?

When you do get the all clear from your doctor that everything is healed, I highly recommend getting reacquainted with your body before trying to initiate physical intimacy.  This is because birth is a traumatic experience to the body, and your body remembers that there was a child coming out of it and so you have to get the nerve endings reacquainted with feeling pleasure. Get used to your own touch first. So that could look like manual stimulation. You could also check out your vulva and get reacquainted with it. But then with your partner you could have bath time or shower time, and massages. You could work with connection cars. There are so many different couples connection cards that you can use to have deeper conversations that can help you know more about each other and become closer. You can talk about fantasies and stuff like that, and then eventually, that can lead into mutual masturbation and maybe using an external vibrator. Basically you are easing into that typical sex that you had before baby.

From a physical standpoint, how do you start to really love your new body after all of these changes?

It is such a journey. And looking back, I wish I would have been more gentle with myself which is why I try to help my clients with that journey sooner. Some of the things I suggest is looking at yourself in the mirror, naked. Just you looking at your body and appreciating the tremendous growth that it went through the past 10 months. Examine the changes in your breasts, your belly, your legs, and your hips, literally everything. Pour love into yourself and know that it’s okay if you look in the mirror and cry, because your body is completely different than what it was before and it’s not going back. And that’s okay. It’s okay to mourn the body you had before while also appreciating the amazing gifts that your body created for you. Mirror work is super powerful. And then you can do mirror work with a handheld mirror and actually look at your genitals and get reacquainted. It might be the first time you’ve looked at your vulva but it’s super powerful to look at it and appreciate your body. Lingerie is another great way to appreciate your body. Put it on for yourself and notice how it just feels good. There’s a study that says if a woman wears lingerie every day for a whole week, her confidence increases by about 72%. I’m not recalling the exact percentage, but it was a super high percentage. Wearing lingerie is for you. Do it for yourself because that material feels good and you’re going to start to feel sexy again, and your confidence is going to start coming back. 

What can we do if we fall into a rut of not having sex after delivery?

This is me. With our first kiddo, it took us about eight months to finally navigate everything and I didn’t have all these resources or an awareness of this being a thing. I started to internalize that there was something wrong with me; I was broken. Thankfully, my husband was very open to communication. What often happens is the male partner has resentment, or starts to feel abandoned like they don’t matter; they’re not wanted; they’re not attractive. There’s a whole plethora of things that start coming from both sides. So, the main thing is talk about it, when you start to notice this; don’t push it aside. It’s a conversation that needs to be had. 

When I’m working with clients, they often say they can talk about all the things and they’re on the same page except in their relationship. When it comes to sex, we don’t know how to talk to each other, and that’s a pretty common thing. So, when it’s been a while, it’s important for each partner to figure out how they would feel supported in that intimate area of their life together. A lot of times there’s a desire discrepancy, one partner wants to have sex more often than the other partner. So, have that conversation and create a compromise. If it’s been a while, I always recommend finding the median between the partner who wants more and the partner who wants less. The median might be having sex once a week, and then having one other intimate connection, such as a massage or bath together to kind of nurture both. 

Also, as your body has orgasms, it wants more orgasms. And so you might move that up to having sex twice a week or maybe that other intimate connection turns into sex. However you do it, start by talking about it. I have my clients do relationship check-ins which is a weekly check in making the relationship a priority. That is scheduling sex. It might not sound sexy to schedule sex, but it’s super important. It’s very easy to push sex to the backburner when you have life happening all around you all the time. 

To hear Brianna talk more about check-ins with your partner, having difficult conversations with before and after baby, and how to figure out what you need, listen to episode 164: Navigating Intimacy Postpartum with Brianna, on the Vaginas, Vulvas, and Vibrators podcast.

You can find Brianna on Instagram and her website IntimacyEvolution.com.

LISTEN TO THIS PODCAST EPISODE HERE.