On this podcast episode, Tatum Nies talks to us about having multiple sexual encounters and how it can lead to self discovery and empowerment. She also shares how to know if it is for you, what to consider beforehand, and how to avoid catching feels.
How do you define the hoe phase?
I think the hoe phase can be different for everyone. You have to base it on what’s comfortable for you. For me, it’s really just diving into doing who you want, what you want, when you want. I think it can happen at different times for people also. However, I do believe in your 20s is the best because we do a lot of learning lessons in our 20s anyway.
Do you consider yourself in a hoe phase or are you a retired hoe currently?
I’m a retired hoe. I have a long term boyfriend right now, and I was just talking to him about this. We’ve been in a relationship for a while, and he said, Yeah, you better tell them you’re my hoe now. You’re off the streets.
What are some of the lessons that you’ve learned from having a whole phase?
I’ve learned a lot of shitty lessons.
I was never a relationship girl. Not because I didn’t want to be, but that’s just the way my life worked out. I was never the girl that was in long term serious relationships. So I would kind of go in this ebb and flow. Sometimes I would pause my hoe phase, but not necessarily be done with it.
I think that, especially with this whole hookup culture, that’s strictly what it is. And I think people put so much expectations on the relationships that you do have with people when reality and like, we all have different definitions for those relationships.
Dating to me and dating to you could be two different things. When I was in my hoe phase, dating for me was seeing multiple people. I’m not fucking multiple people, but I’m seeing multiple people. And I maybe have my friends with benefits on the side. So when I was dating these people I learned what I do like, what I don’t like, what our compatibility is, if we have chemistry. And then I’m still getting my needs met by the fuck boy that comes over when I’m drunk at 12 o’clock at night.
Do you have any advice for not falling in love with your hookup?
I think it’s a complicated question to answer. Not falling in love can be so hard. For me personally, I would start romanticizing them. I would have visions of what our dating life could be like, children we would have, etc. To genuinely be in a hoe phase where you’re having sex with people and you don’t want to catch feelings, you really have to be honest with yourself. Are you able to separate the two things because a lot of people can’t. My best advice is to look at the situation as if you’re looking at yourself from an outer perspective. So, if I want to go into this because I want to fuck, then it’s like this, this is what I’m gonna do. I’m gonna create some boundaries. Boundaries where it’s like, Okay, we’re gonna have sex, but I’m gonna go to his house so I can leave after. There’s no cuddling, you fuck and you leave. Cuddles lead to feels. That’s it, you fuck and you leave. And I think detaching yourself in that way where it’s like, this is just sex. I’m not going to stay the night. I’m not going to cuddle. We strictly just meet up. We have sex. I’m gonna get up, put my panties back on and walk out the door.
How might someone go about starting their hoe phase adventure?
First, you need to create boundaries for yourself. And then ask yourself questions. Do you just want random sex? Do you want consistent dick but don’t want to be in a relationship? Are we just fucking to fuck? Are we finding a friends with benefits? Are we just kind of seeing what happens? Do you want to be a unicorn? Do you want to be in a thruple?
Also, I think you need to figure out the why. Why do you want to venture into this phase of just being carefree? And then create some boundaries. One example is if you know for yourself that you easily fall for someone, then maybe you include no sleepovers and no cuddles in your boundaries. And then I think after that you just get on some of these dating apps, start talking to your friends and you go for it. I think having a minimum of three people is like a great thing to start with because you don’t want to put all of your eggs in one basket, so you aren’t always available. If you’re not always available, you’re not going to get attached, because you have a little bit going on everywhere, rather than all of your time into one person.
How do we embrace being a hoe and ignore the stigma of that word?
I think it comes down to being accepting of yourself. You’re doing this because you want to do it, not because people are telling you that this is what you should be doing. You can be a hoe and still have a good job. You could be a hoe and still be in a relationship. So, the number one piece of advice that I could give would be like, you have to be okay with what you’re doing. If you’re not okay with it, then you’re gonna have people call you hoe, and it’s gonna make you mad.
How can you be safe while being in a hoe phase?
PRO TIP: For safety reasons, always share your location with someone, friend, sibling, etc.
If you’re gonna be going out and meeting tons of people that you don’t know, try FaceTiming first. Whether you’re trying to be serious about a relationship or set up a hookup, before you meet someone see if the energy is even there. I would set a limit of maybe 20 minutes. That way you can kind of vet the person a little bit. See if they look like their photos online. Hearing their voice also brings more realness to the whole experience. Then always meet in public first. I would never just directly go straight to meet a stranger without capturing the vibe. For me personally, I never share my address.
I also think first date scenarios should have a time limit. Set an hour and then you can start off with, I only have an hour because I have to meet up with one of my girlfriends. And then if you like the guy, you can cancel on your girlfriend. But if you don’t, then you have an hour. These are tips that I wish I would have known when I was doing this. It’s like serial dating, if you will.
How can the hoe phase be empowering as a woman?
Being in a hoe phase is giving you control. You’re choosing to do these things. It’s your choice. You get to decide who I want to have sex with, or who you want to take home or how many people you want to fuck. In a sense it does give you some empowerment to making these decisions, and I feel great about them. You get to take your power back.
LISTEN TO THIS PODCAST EPISODE HERE On this solocast I talk about my evolution in self-acceptance, personal growth, the podcast, and how I continue to adapt to change. I share my personal reflections and thoughts on both myself and this podcast. The...