In this podcast episode I talk with Alicia Davon about relationship patterns, how to address these patterns, and why it’s so important to understand our patterns.
What are the different types of relationship patterns that we acquire through our childhood and exhibit in adulthood?
In any relationship, you can see that there are four patterns that could be playing out. One we call meanies. Meanies are those of us that are bossy, tend to be controlling, tend to criticize. We tend to be the one that’s not satisfied, and the other person is doing the wrong sort of thing.
Then there’s the softies. Softies are people pleasers and accommodators. They are the ones that are probably meanies underneath but put forth the kind of accommodating Peacemaker sort of vibe.
And then there are avoiders. Avoiders are those of us that just sort of disappear. You can’t find us. It’s hard to nail us down for any kind of intimate conversation. We’re always sort of gone or distracted.
The fourth one is superiors. Superiors are those of us that feel like we’re just bettter, or we’re above it all. It’s generally the other person that has the problems.
Knowing your type at the moment is not meant to put anybody in a box. But it does help when you get to know what your tendency is when you feel threatened, when you feel scared, when you feel like something is not going your way.
If you identify one of these different patterns, how do you overcome that pattern?
The first step to mastering your pattern is presence, having an awareness of that pattern. As humans, we want to go to work on our patterns and our problems and fix them. And of course, there’s ways to counteract these things. But the first part is to become aware of the patterns and start to become aware of them as they’re happening, which isn’t the easiest thing to do. Just feel the emotion in your body. Sometimes, just stopping and feeling is almost enough; and then speaking your truth in the moment. It’s really a practice of stopping and noticing first.
Why is understanding your relationship patterns so important in a relationship?
You know, I’ve never met anybody who did not want to have an even better relationship life and sex life. Even if it’s going fine or great, there’s a kind of a movement towards growth and evolution and development and having things be fresh, new, and exciting. That is why it’s important. The way our egos, or whatever we want to call it, the way that they’re formed starts when we’re two and three years old. We learn what works with mom or dad. We learn how to get love or get taken care of. These patterns are so repetitive and become ingrained in us. Then that leads to years later, and months and years into a relationship. Then you find yourself having the same fight over and over again, or you’re interacting in the same way or there’s this chronic issue or things get old and stale. This sometimes leads to big problems. So, becoming aware of your patterns is really a good way to have freshness and aliveness in our relationship and presence and also to avoid a lot of conflict.
How did we end up falling into these different types of patterns? What happens in our childhood that makes us become a meanie, or a softy, or an avoider, or a superior?
We can’t help it. We have experiences that impact us when we are growing up. Some of these experiences are very overt, extreme traumas, such as your family falling apart, abuse or neglect, etc. But there’s also a lot of other ways that we’re impacted as kids. For example, we spill a cup of milk, and mom or dad overreacts because they are stressed. That’s scary for a little kid to have that energy coming out of their parents. We have these moments where we feel like we’ve lost the love or the connection with a parent or a caregiver, and all we want is to feel love and be connected to these people. So as little kids we come up with these strategic ways to not get hurt again, or not have that happen again. And patterns start for form.
Which one of the patterns would be the ideal one to exemplify?
I wouldn’t say any of them are the ideal one to be because they’re all reactionary. And that is not bad. Human’s are messy. We’re wacky. This is what it is to be a human being. And the four relationship patterns that I laid out are all reactionary. They’re all different ways of coping with feeling threatened. We don’t need to FIX ourselves; we just need to be aware so that we can make changes that serve us and cultivate a better relationship.
For more about patterns in relationships, extended orgasms, and what to do when the chemistry in your relationship is drifting, check out this podcast episode!!
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